Have no fear, Confidence is here!!!

I find life very odd, in whatever you do, any sport, and especially when it comes to horse jumping, it seems the more talented you are, the more ups and downs you have. A great quote my trainer loves to repeat 5 times a day is " The talented riders are the one's that can jump 5 feet one day and the next day not even be able to get around a 3'6" course, the dummies just flop around up there and win the 3' classes all day long, but they never get anywhere, that's it for them". I'm glad he reminds me this everyday because it's so frustrating for one week of jumping to be fantastic (able to jump 4'9" oxers so easily), then the next to be so horrible that I can't get over an easy 3'3" oxer!!!! As you can tell from my ranting, that happened to me today. Somedays, it just seems like me and my horse, Gemini, are just so very out of it and cannot snap out of that stupid zoned-out trance, and it ends where I'm in tears, thinking I'm the worst rider ever to walk the face of this Earth. I think my problem is that some of the (few) trainers i have had over the years constantly made me feel so tiny and submissive, they were always the superior ones in everything they did and were constantly making fun of me. It was horrible and for a lot of my childhood I was a very angry kid who didn't like talking to adults period because of past experiences. That affects my confidence in riding so greatly that some-days I can't snap out of it, even though John gives me pep talks and I try to give myself pep talks....Confidence is the only thing holding me back from becoming a great Grand Prix jumper. Maybe by writing this down, I can move on from past experiences and truly become a great rider. I truly hope so and Monday when I jump again I'm going to prove to myself that I have the ability and knowledge to jump those big jumps (especially oxers...they're my fear) effortlessly!!!!